If You Say Duck with an F Instead of a D
by Carbuncle
Summary: --I'm warning you now--Do not read if you are easily offended--This fic contains that swear word--I'm telling you this so that you won't read it and then decide to flame me--Its all just a really really funny joke--Many of the characters behave OOC--Bla b


FINAL FANTASY VII  
  
If You Say Duck with an F Instead of a D  
  
(Open to the Sector 7 Slums. Elmyra and Marlene are walking through)  
Elmyra: Well, we're nearly home, Marlene.  
Marlene: Hurray! I can't wait to see Papa!  
Elmyra: (laughs) I know, I know. (they walk past an item shop) Oh, can you wait here for a moment, Marlene? I have to buy another Phoenix Down just in case my daughter--oh, um, just wait outside, okay?  
Marlene: Okee! I'll be right here! (Elmyra walks into the store) Doo-doo-doo-dee-doo!  
????: What the fuck (1)?!  
Marlene: Huh?  
????: Get the fuck (2) off me! Fuckin' (3) leave me alone!  
Marlene: F... Fu...?  
????: Yeah, fuck (4) off! If ya ever fuckin' (5) come near me again, then I'll beat the fuck (6) out of ya!  
Marlene: F... Fu...?  
Elmyra: (comes back out of the store) You ready to go home now, Marlene?  
Marlene: Yes, I'm ready. (they start to walk back to 7th Heaven)  
  
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the bar. Cloud, Barrett, Aeris and Tifa are all there)  
Barrett: Well, Marlene should be back any second now.  
Cloud: Uh huh. So did you have a good night last night, Barrett?  
Barrett: Oh yeah. A very fuckin' (7) good night, if ya know what I mean, Cloud.  
Cloud: (pause) No, I'm not sure I do.  
Barrett: (laughs) Well lemme tell ya what happened. I had THE best fuck (8) of my life.  
Tifa: Ahem! Well, good for you, Barrett.  
Cloud: (groans) I haven't had a good fuck (9) in a long while...  
Tifa: Well I have offered.  
Aeris: Me too. Are you sure you're not gay, Cloud?  
Elmyra: (she and Marlene walk in) Hello everyone!  
Aeris: Hi, Mom.  
Barrett: Hey Marlene, have you been a good little girl for your Aunt Elmyra?  
Marlene: I sure have, Daddy!  
Barrett: Great! So, whaddya do?  
Marlene: I'll tell you later. Fuck (10), I sure am hungry though. (the whole room is silent)  
Tifa: Marlene...?!  
Barrett: Holy crap! What the fuck (11), I mean, what the hell did you jus' say?!  
Marlene: Huh?  
Cloud: Oh my God! She said it! She really said it!  
Marlene: Said what?  
Aeris: Mom, you didn't let Marlene watch the adult channel last night, did you?  
Elmyra: Of course not! What the fuck (12) do you take me for?!  
Marlene: What the fuck (13) are you all talking about?  
Barrett: Damn, where the fuck (14) did you learn that word?!  
Marlene: What fuckin' (15) word?  
Barrett: Don't play dumb wit' me, girl! I wanna know where the fuck (16) you picked up that word!  
Marlene: (crying) I don't know what the fuck (17) you mean, Daddy! Waaaaaaa! (runs out of the bar)  
Barrett: Fuck (18)! Marlene, come back! (runs after her)  
Cloud: Hmm, totally weird. Yet at the same time totally normal for around here.  
Tifa: Elmyra, where did Marlene learn to talk like that?  
Elmyra: I... I honestly don't know! I stayed with her all the time last night! She didn't get it from me!  
Tifa: Then where did she get it from? She's never said it before, right Cloud?  
Cloud: I think we would've fuckin' (19) remembered if she had.  
Elmyra: I should go. I'll see you all again sometime.  
Aeris: Bye, Mom. (Elmyra leaves the bar)  
Tifa: Oh boy, someone should help Barrett find Marlene. Cloud, you go.  
Cloud: Wha?! Why the fuck (20) do I have to go?!  
Tifa: Don't argue with me! Just do it!  
Cloud: Oh, all right. (walks off) Damn dirty fuck (21)!  
Tifa: Oh, dear. Whatever will become of Marlene now?  
Aeris: I dunno. (laughs) I can't believe she said fuck (22) though!  
Tifa: (groans) I need a drink.  
  
(Cut to the Sector 7 Slums. Marlene is sitting on the street corner. An old woman approaches her)  
Old Woman: Hello. Are you lost, little girl?  
Marlene: (politely) Fuck (23) no! I'm fine! Fuck (24) you!  
Old Woman: Good lord! Well I never! (walks off in disgust)  
Barrett: (approaches) Marlene! There you are!  
Marlene: Why the fuck (25) were you so fuckin' (26) mad at me, Daddy?  
Barrett: Ugh! Marlene, could you maybe not say that word?  
Marlene: (pissed) WHAT WORD?!?!  
Barrett: Marlene, where the fuck (27) did you learn that word?  
Marlene: Daddy, I don't know what fuckin' (28) word you mean!  
Barrett: Fuck (29)! I'm talkin' about fuck (30)! Which part of FUCK (31) don't you understand?! (Marlene begins to cry again) Oh, fuck (32)! I'm sorry, Marlene! Please don't cry!  
Marlene: Daddy, why do you get so fuckin' (33) angry with me just because I said fuck (34)?  
Barrett: Ugh! I feel really disturbed whenever you fuckin' (35) say that, Marlene.  
Marlene: But why? Why the fuck (36) is fuck (37) such a bad fuckin' (38) word?  
Barrett: Well, fuck (39) isn't really a suitable word for a young child like yourself.  
Marlene: Why the fuck (40) can't children say it, Papa?  
Barrett: Because... uh... I don't know why. They just can't.  
Marlene: Then who can say fuck (41)?  
Barrett: ...people like me. Grown-up people who are responsible enough to handle it.  
Marlene: That doesn't make any fuckin' (42) sense. Fuck (43) it.  
Barrett: Marlene, I don't want you to fuckin' (44) say fuck (45) anymore, you fuckin' (46) understand?  
Marlene: Okee, I won't fuckin' (47) say fuck (48) anymore-  
Barrett: Thank fuckin' (49) God!  
Marlene: -if you don't say it either.  
Barrett: What?! No Marlene, you don't understand, honey. Older people are allowed to say fuck (50).  
Marlene: That isn't right! If young people can't say fuck (51), then old people shouldn't be allowed to say fuck (52) either!  
Barrett: But...!  
Marlene: Fuck (53) you, Daddy!  
Barrett: (angry) Marlene, no!  
Marlene: Fuck (54) off and stay the fuck (55) away from me! (runs off again)  
Barrett: (to himself) Aw, fuck (56)!  
  
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the bar. Barrett walks in)  
Tifa: Did you find Marlene?  
Barrett: I fuckin' (57) found her, but she fuckin' (58) ran off again.  
Aeris: Oh, well. Never mind. Cloud came to look for you. Did he find you?  
Barrett: Fuck (59) no! An' I don't really give a flyin' fuck (60) 'bout Cloud right now!  
Tifa: Barrett, did you ever think that maybe Marlene learned that word from you?  
Barrett: What the fuck (61) d'ya mean?  
Tifa: You're her idol, Barrett. You've been someone for Marlene to look up to ever since you 'adopted' her from Dyne. Don't you remember her early life in your hometown?  
  
(Cut to North Corel, the local tavern. Barrett and baby Marlene are both at the bar)  
Barrett: I'll have a beer please.  
Bartender: Uh huh. And fer the baby?  
Barrett: She'll have-  
Baby Marlene: Goo-goo-ga-beer!  
Bartender: I can't serve alcohol to a fuckin' (62) baby! Get the fuckin' (63) hell out of here!  
Barrett: Dammit! (to the bartender) Do you want a bullet in the brain?!  
Baby Marlene: ...in brain!  
Bartender: (nervous) I... I don't wan' no trouble now, ya hear?!  
Barrett: Up yo' ass!  
Baby Marlene: ...yo' ass!  
  
(Cut back to 7th Heaven)  
Tifa: I think Marlene heard you say... the F word, then thought it would be okay to say it herself.  
Barrett: Fuck (64) that idea!  
Tifa: It's the most plausible reason in my opinion.  
Barrett: Tifa, no offence but your opinion can go fuck (65) itself. 'Sides, I never fuckin' (66) swear in front of my daughter. What kind of a fuckin' (67) person d'ya take me for?!  
Tifa: Barrett, you have to be responsible for your daughter! You mustn't swear from now on!  
Barrett: If I don't swear then I'm out of character. I have to swear.  
Tifa: Maybe, but Marlene can't swear. You have to bring her up properly.  
Barrett: I do!  
Tifa: Do you really want your daughter to grow up in a world where naughty words like fuck (68) and shit and muggie are part of the every day vocabulary?!  
Barrett: Hell no! Do you think I look like a total fuck (69)?!  
Tifa: Then you have to do something about it!  
Barrett: Aaagh! You're right, Tifa! I have to protect Marlene! I have to make the future a safe place for children to live in! I'm gonna do it! (leaves the bar)  
Aeris: ...that was insane.  
Tifa: Hey, it worked, didn't it? (pause) Now where the fuck (70) did I put that dirty glass?  
  
(Cut to Shin-Ra HQ, the reception area. Barrett walks up to the front desk)  
Barrett: Hey, I need to speak wit' the fuckin' (71) President ASAP.  
Receptionist: I'm sorry but the President is dead-  
Barrett: Whut?!  
Receptionist: -busy right now. If you'd like to call back later, then I'm sure we could squeeze you in.  
Barrett: Later ain't no fuckin' (72) good! Fuckin' (73) hell, I need ta speak wit' da fuckin' (74) man right now!  
Receptionist: (sighs) I'll see what I can do.  
Barrett: Much better! (sits down) Don't worry, Marlene. I'm gonna make everythin' all right.  
Receptionist: Well, I've just been fired, but the President said he'd love to talk with you. You can go on up now.  
Barrett: Thank you, ma'am.  
Receptionist: Oh, fuck (75) you!  
  
(Cut to President Rufus' office. Rufus is sitting at his desk. Barrett enters the office)  
Rufus: Ah, you're that guy from AVALANCHE, right?  
Barrett: Cut the fuckin' (76) crap! I jus' want a word with ya!  
Rufus: (sighs) Go ahead, low life.  
Barrett: Ay! Now, I want a fuckin' (77) ban on fuckin' (78) swearin'!  
Rufus: ...excuse me while I laugh my rich and powerful fuckin' (79) ass off. (laughs hysterically) Go ahead. Please continue.  
Barrett: Do you know what my fuckin' (80) four-year-old daughter said to me today? She told me to fuck (81) off!  
Rufus: Really? (laughs hysterically) Go ahead. Please continue.  
Barrett: If people didn't fuckin' (82) swear, then the world would be a much safer and happier fuckin' (83) place. I want swearin' fuckin' (84) abolished.  
Rufus: And you really think I can fuckin' (85) do that?  
Barrett: Fuck (86), you're the most influential person in the fuckin' (87) world. You can do anythin'.  
Rufus: I can't stop people from swearing, fuck (88) face. And why would I fuckin' (89) want to? Everyone needs to swear once in a fuckin' (90) while. See? I'm doing it right now.  
Barrett: Mr. President, can I ask you sumthin'?  
Rufus: Sure. Go ahead.  
Barrett: Would you want your son/daughter to be brought up in a world where naughty words like fuck (91) and shit and muggie are part of the every day vocabulary?  
Rufus: ...muggie?  
Barrett: Uh, c'mere. (whispers something into Rufus' ear)  
Rufus: (pukes up) Holy fuck (92)! (to Barrett) You're a really sick fuck (93), you know that?!  
Barrett: So now you know why we gotta fuckin' (94) ban swearin'?  
Rufus: I... I'll put out the word right away. After I fuck (95) Dark Nation, of course.  
Barrett: Thank you, Mr. President.  
Rufus: No problem.  
  
(Cut to a commercial on television. There is a picture of the planet in the middle of the screen)  
Rufus: (voice over) What is the future of the planet? Is it the money we make? The quests we conquer? No. It's children... (Marlene appears on the screen) ...and what do our children want in the future?  
Marlene: Peace and, uh, love...?  
Rufus: (voice over) Exactly. Peace and love. (Marlene is replaced by President Rufus) We all want our children to live in a well respected society. We want them to grow up to become good and honest people. Our world will change from today. We will no longer accept the use of any type of word such as fuck (96) or bastard. Anyone found to utter such filth will be killed immediately. No second chance. No court trial. Just instant death. Remember to limit your vocab or else... (the picture of the planet is set alight) Have a nice day.  
  
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the bar. Cloud, Barrett, Tifa, Aeris and Cid are all sitting at the bar)  
Cloud: Cid, could you please not smoke that cigar in front of my face?  
Cid: Fu... I mean, never mind, I'll put it out then, shall I?  
Cloud: Yeah, you do that.  
Tifa: Don't forget you have to take Marlene to Wall Market later, Barrett.  
Barrett: Oh fu...dge, I forgot all about that.  
Cloud: Man, I'm bored.  
Cid: ARGH! I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!  
Tifa: Cid, calm down!  
Cid: No, I can't! I have to swear! I just have to!  
Tifa: Cid, if you swear then that micro chip they put into your head will explode and you'll die!  
Cid: I don't care! I'd rather die than never utter the word fu-  
Aeris: (hits Cid over the head with a frying pan and he falls onto the floor, unconscious) Phew! Saved him!  
Cloud: Barrett, how could you be so stupid?! Why the heck did you have to go and get swearing abolished anyway?!  
Barrett: Hey, I did it for Marlene, all right?!  
Cloud: Yeah, but we're the ones who're suffering!  
Tifa: I think the world is a much better place without obscene language. I'm glad people have finally come round.  
  
(Cut to South Park. Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny are all at the bus stop)  
Stan: Hey Kyle, do you wanna come over to my house later and watch "Terrance and Phillip"?  
Kyle: Kick... butt, dude! Man, I hate not being able to swear! (a meteor crashes down from the sky and lands on Kenny)  
Stan: Oh my gosh, they killed Kenny!  
Kyle: You... horrible people.  
Cartman: (laughs) Fuck (97) you, Kyle! (explodes)  
Stan: Oh cr...umbs. It happened again.  
  
(Cut back to 7th Heaven)  
Barrett: I feel better too, Tifa.  
Cloud: Barrett, I want you to bring back bad language!  
Barrett: What?! Why?!  
Cloud: Because it's just too darn difficult to live like this! You have to change the law back! You have to make it okay to swear!  
Barrett: I won't! I like it this way!  
Cloud: Well we don't, right Cid? (Cid is still unconscious) Hmm, I'm sure he'd agree with me if he was conscious.  
Barrett: I ain't goin' crawlin' back to that idiot President!  
Cloud: Barrett, if you don't go and get everything back to normal, then I'm gonna swear!  
Barrett: You do that an' you'll die.  
Cloud: Exactly! So you better go and talk to the President!  
Barrett: No way.  
Cloud: Darn it!  
????: (from outside) Come on outta there! We know you're in there!  
Cloud: Who the devil could that be?  
  
(Cut to the Sector 7 Slums. Cloud, Barrett, Tifa and Aeris all walk outside to see a crowd of angry people)  
Tifa: Oh, my! We're going to be busy tonight! Look at all those thirsty people!  
Man: (steps out from the crowd and points towards Barrett) Hey, you're that guy who made swearin' illegal, right?!  
Barrett: Yeah. So?  
Woman: We used to live in a world where people had the power to say or do whatever they wanted! You took all that away from us with your stupid morals!  
Barrett: No I didn't. I just took away all the bad language.  
Man: Yeah, and we want it back!  
Barrett: Huh?!  
Woman: We're tired of being polite! We want to be able to swear again!  
Barrett: Lady, how old are you?  
Woman: Old enough to beat the fuck (98) out of you! (pause) Oh, fuck (99)! (explodes)  
Man: (pause) See?! Look at what you've done!  
Barrett: I didn't do that! She shouldn't have said the F word!  
Man: (to the crowd) Aw, we ain't gettin' nowhere with our pussy approach! Let's get him! (the crowd cheers)  
Barrett: Whoa, hey, don't do anythin' you'll regret now!  
Man: We'll beat the heck out of ya! (to the crowd) Charge!  
Aeris: Holy crap! They're gonna kill us!  
Cloud: (to Tifa) Did that count as a swear word?  
Tifa: I guess not... (the party all run into 7th Heaven)  
  
(Cut to 7th Heaven. Cloud and Barrett have bolted the door)  
Cloud: What're we gonna do?! What're we gonna do?!  
Tifa: I can only think of one solution to our problem.  
Aeris: We're all gonna die! We're fuckin' (100) done for! (explodes)  
Barrett: Okay, okay! Nobody panic!  
Cloud: That could've been me! I wanted to swear too!  
Tifa: Barrett, you have to make it all right to swear again.  
Barrett: But Marlene... her future...!  
Cloud: Barrett, do you really think a word like fuck (101) or... or shit could really have that much of an effect on the future? You have to think with your brain, and not with your... butt.  
Barrett: You... You're right, Cloud. I know what to do. (unlocks the door and walks out)  
Cloud: Come on, Tifa. (pause) Tifa?  
Tifa: Cl... Cloud... You just swore but you never exploded... How?!  
Cloud: (scared) I don't know. (back to normal) Should I try it again?  
Tifa: No!  
Cloud: Okay.  
  
(Cut to a commercial on television. There is a picture of the planet in the middle of the screen)  
Rufus: (voice over) What is the future of the planet? Is it the money we make? The quests we conquer? No. It's children... (Marlene appears on the screen) ...and what do our children want in the future?  
Marlene: We want the freedom to say whatever the hell we want. We want to say fuck (102). We want to say shit. We want to say bastard. We want to say pussy, and bitch, and dick. We want to say queer.  
Rufus: (voice over) Exactly. You want to be able to swear. (Marlene is replaced by President Rufus) We want our children to live in a world where they feel happy. We want them to grow up with the same vast range of vulgar vocabulary that we had. Our world will change from today. We are now required to swear at least once every day. Feel free to utter the odd curse word whenever you feel the need. Enjoy our bad language. Learn to love it. Swear right now. Go on. Do it. (the word "FUCK" flashes across the screen) Have a nice day.  
  
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THE FUCKIN' END__________  
  
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End file.
